fundamentally fundamentalist

good fucking lord.

i have come to a grudging acceptance of the fact that absolutely none of the people who read this blog ever leave comments. it used to be fine with me, i guess. most of the people who bothered to visit this site in the first place came here because i made subtle death threats, and so therefore may not have been in a mood to leave nice ego-boosting comments. and then, i found this one blog.

this blog is on xanga, and i’m not absolutely certain how i ended up there. but anyway. the point is, every single post on that blog comes with 20 comments each, at the very least! i am in shock.

it’s not like the next theory of relativity is being posted on this site. in fact, it seems like the person who owns the blog is a girl in grade 9 or something along those lines. and her posts are…well, crap. let’s dissect.

first off, the title of this particular blog is because of you i laugh a little more, i cry a little less, and i smile alot more followed by two hearts. i should have been warned by that in itself, but like a moth being drawn to an open flame, i couldn’t resist figuring out what she actually posted about that could attract 20 comments. here’s an average post.

Updating Since I am Happy with 10 Comments..lol..Thats Nice of everybody!! lol..Umm Yesterday I Went to Kyle’s House..We went Swimming and watched Elf..Had a Fun Time!! lol..I Love that Boy to death!! Umm My Mommy left for Indianapolis this morning..The Race!! lol..Umm And Not to much has been going on, I have been here all day with my sister and talkin to My Kyle!! YaY!! lol..Umm I Just Killed a Big Spider!! and It was scary!! But Im gonna go and Talk to Kyle..So Comment Me..Or Maybe Just Kyle will comment me..

I LOVE KYLE!! 4EVER!!

now i don’t know about you, but when i read that post, i was so bored by the fourth word that it seemed to me to read something like this:

Updating Since I am Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle…

Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle

is this the kind of crap that you expect from a blog? i could do that too, you know.

by far the most interesting post on the entire front page was:

This is For EVERYONE who thinks Im some kind of slut or something!! Me and Kyle Did not have Sex!! So therefor wont everybody shut their Mouth about it!! Even IF we did!! Its none of your buisness!! So Wont everybody shut their Mouths and quit makin up shit..I WILL REPEAT IT AGAIN!! WE DID NOT HAVE SEX!!! Damn, Do i look like a Slut to you guys? But Ohh ofcoure I look like a slut to all yall haters!! Fuck Off and stay out of my damn business!! Thank You and have a Nice Fuckin Day!!

I will tell about My Day, Well I went to Chipotle with Kyle C, Kyle K. and Steven C.(Kyle’s Brother) For anybody who dont know..It was Fun..I had fun gettin out of the house, and then we went back to My Kyle’s house and hung out there, and then Kyle K brought me home..And then me and and him talked for like an hour..But thats About it..and then I Find out that shit up there ^^^^^^!!!! But Im about to go watch a movie or something..So Comment If Yall want to..Im not really worried about it anymore, Kyle is the only who comments me..But Later Yall

I LOVE KYLE!! 4EVER AND EVER!!

first of all, someone needs to tell this girl that the entire world already knows about her boyfriend and she can stop ending every post with her profusion of love for kyle, especially since she posted the following in her “about me” section:

Interests: *Mr, KYLE !! =)* Singing*Dancing*Smiling*Laughing*Taking Pictures*Shopping*Talking On the Phone*Computer*Hanging Out with My Baby Kyle*Old Navy*American Eagle*PacSun*Being Hyper*Acting Stupid*Flip Flops*Swimming*KYLE *
Expertise: *Loving Kyle =)*And Being Extra Hyper at Times* and To make Sure Everybody Knows!! KYLE !!!*

right. kyle. a.k.a. “my baby kyle”. gotcha.

although i must say, she takes quite a lot of pride in not having sex with kyle. poor kyle. must be waiting to get some ass, and then she dashes his hopes by putting a public declaration on her own public blog.

and apparently this girl has a profusion of kyles in her life – note the second paragraph. apparently there’s a kyle c. and a kyle k. i wonder which one she didn’t have sex with. and i wonder if she had sex with the other kyle. damn. i should have been named kyle. clearly, the kyles have (not) gotten more action in this post than i have in the past year.

although i must say that i’m worried for her, as this guy kyle has got to be gay, although he probably doesn’t know it yet. either that, or a eunuch. he swims with her, watches elf with her (for god’s sake, elf? i don’t know about kyle, but will farrell destroys my sex drive) and does a tremendous amount of talking to her on the phone. there is something severely wrong in this equation. the girl’s mom goes off on a trip, and he doesn’t even make a move. he should be shot. he’s a shame to all men everywhere.

out of curiosity, i decided to find out what kind of comments this person gets. and that’s when i met kyle.

You really should go on and on about me, lol. And you said something to me about a long post? That didn’t seem to be all that long. And you made a joke about that as well, lol. Which I am still laughing about. But yeah, I love you to death as well. And you are I believe the only person that I’ve said that to. Sure, I’ve told others forever and always, but you know how that is. But honestly, no matter who I go on to be with, which I highly doubt happens, but you know; There will always be that special place for you with me. Although, you said you’d make that person’s life a living hell, lol. But yeah, I’ll get back to talking to you. I LOVE YOU!! Bye bye honey.

damn. that basically destroyed any suspicion of kyle’s straightness. how do i know he’s straight? here’s some proof:
1. “I love you to death as well. And you are I believe the only person that I’ve said that to. Sure, I’ve told others forever and always, but you know how that is.”: obviously a straight guy. only a straight guy says i love you, and follows it up with “you’re the only person in the world i ever said that to”. although i wonder how many people he could have said i love you in his 14 year lifespan. when i was 14, i wasn’t even sure if my balls had dropped yet.

2. “no matter who I go on to be with, which I highly doubt happens, but you know; There will always be that special place for you with me.”: damn. he basically tells her that there’s no future for them, and that he’s going to be banging someone else soon. but no matter. if he’s horny and alone, he can always hook up with her later, because there’s that “special place” for them. clearly, at the tender age of 14, kyle’s hormones are in full swing. two thumbs up, son!

3. “Bye bye honey”: no gay guy in the closet would call his girlfriend honey. he’d be more creative – think honeybunches of oats or sweetybum cheeks or something.

i think i’ll end there. i fear that if i venture beyond page 1, this post will never end. if people want to really badly, let me know and i’ll post the link here so everyone can go tell the kyle-lover how sad her life is.

breaking news: i think this line says it all and makes the point in a much better way than i ever could:

Kyle-Babe It is so weird to say I have known your for a little over a week..But I Love You Soo Much!!

quick, break out the dictionary! i’m beginning to forget the meaning of the word “love”. agh!

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~ by eLeCtRiKbLuEs on August 22, 2005.

7 Responses to “fundamentally fundamentalist”

  1. when have u become so jobless as to write a whole freakin long-ass post about some random grade 9 girl you never even heard about? sheesh. this post here DOES NOT fit in with the rest of your blog. it so doesnt. i was bored by the time you got to the second quotation para. ugh.

  2. Your build-up, the mood, the descriptions – fantastic. Most important, the characterisation is good. F is real. (What happened to G and Q, though? Maybe you should paint them in, they’re stick figures now)

    The denouement sucks. Get real there, maybe you should re-write that.

    The last para is a neat wrap, but just before that you spilt the shit from the shawarma.

    And you contrary, cussed, sadistic, benighted elf, if you change your site ONCE more I shall take the next flight to Dhaka and hang a cow-bell off your left testicle! I’m SICK of editing my template for your peripatetic inclinations!

    On the other hand, you’re now posting regularly. Posting good stuff, too. Kyle was great, but I shall link to your post about the reactions to the bombings. You deserve a lot more traffic.

    (I had no idea I could sound so f**ing patronising. Sorry. But you know what I mean)

    J.A.P.

  3. i am not sure if i should comment on your efforts but i figure, i can leave a comment as a reade. no guidance stuff as am no writer myself.
    the beginning really built up a lot of anticipation..but it fell rather flat at the point of unraveling….one was expecting a stronger plot…this one was rather weak…however it had a lingering sad tone all through which i found fascinating and the ending was very nice too.
    sorry, if i sound patronising as thats the last thing i wanted to sound like….
    please do keep writing…

  4. thanks for the comments, guys.

    a couple of quick items that i thought i would point out:

    1. the timing of this story is intentional and based upon the length and delivery of the azan from my neighborhood mosque. whereas towards the beginning it starts off slow and long, towards the end it picks up tremendously, with the last few lines moving faster and building up towards a crescendo at the last line. it’s an art form that i can never explain in words, really. you just have to hear it to understand.

    2. the crimes that are indicated in this story (the uncle, aunt and maid and the seduction and blackmail) are all stories that have actually happened here in bangladesh.

    i agree with all of your points. i’m certain this story was not the best thing i ever wrote. in my opinion, that would be this one:

    http://saazhar.allhyper.com/?p=7

    but i wanted to see if i could coax another story out of my system.

    anyway, in response to your comments:

    1. j.a.p.: if this is what i have to do to get you to come to dhaka, so be it. i’m sure tackling moby dick will be an ever bigger adventure with a cowbell hanging from my left testicle. this story was my tribute to south asian literature, and was inspired by your memory-saturated posts.

    2. psmithie: welcome back, and glad to see you survived the frequent server hops. i agree that the thing fell flat towards the end, but i wasn’t sure when i started where i was going with it. sorry. i’ll be a better writer, i promise.

  5. i liked it. i had to look up several terms, words, etc. I did not recognize the prayer so I had to go to wikipedia to find it, but then I was on board.

    the best thing (for me) that I can say about the story is that it captured my interest and did so quickly. It was long and if it doesn’t grab you fast it might not grab you at all.

    my only complaint is that I would have preferred a greater betrayal than one done by fathers to sons…inherited sin. much better a personal betrayal to cap off such an established friendship…

    well done and thank you.

  6. i’d like to find her, seduce her, then tell Kyle. assuming she’s hot.

  7. hey nice blog u got here.

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