how to behave in a cineplex in south asia

1. make sure you watch a movie in a language you don’t understand, so you have no idea what the hell is going on.

2. to better the experience, make sure you have a friend with you who doesn’t understand the language of the movie either, but still has watched it at least 35 times, so he can give you a very rough play-by-play of the entire movie.

3. make sure you and your friend sit in the middle of the seating area, so that the entire crowd can benefit from his knowledge.

4. if your friend happens to speak softly, encourage him to speak very loudly. don’t worry about everyone else: chances are they don’t understand what’s going on up on the screen either.

5. to prevent confusion when something that you don’t understand happens, make sure your friend tells you what’s about to happen right before every key scene. this is crucial to ensure that everyone enjoys the movie.

6. feeling kind of tired? don’t worry – you can always take a nap in the middle of the movie. while the seats do not have headrests, the shoulders of your neighbors will suffice, and they don’t mind a bit.

7. if you do decide to take a nap, make sure that you snore as loud as possible. the people around you will not mind, unless of course you are louder than the person telling them what’s happening on the screen.

8. if you do decide to stay awake, please ensure that your cell phone is on throughout the movie, no matter how many times they tell you to turn it off before the movie starts.

9. also ensure that your cellphone is set to the most annoying ringer possible. if you can’t find a britney spears tune in monophonic, just using a long and high-pitched hindi movie tune. but, for the love of god, do not have a normal ringer on, by no means.

10. once someone calls, make sure you have your conversation with them as loud as possible, while sitting in your seat. the only circumstance in which this may be a problem is if you are the designated interpreter for the show. for good measure, tell whoever is calling that you are in a movie theatre, watching a movie, then proceed to describe it to them over the phone.

11. had a big lunch and feeling kind of gassy? don’t worry; even though the hall is enclosed, there must be good ventilation, so feel free to let loose. just make sure you mask the source of the stench by pretending it was your friend who relaxed his sphincters, and yell at him loudly.

12. a movie is the best time to use that extremely bright cell phone of yours to send a text message to nearly everybody you know on the planet. don’t worry – the people behind you aren’t blinded; their eyes are just watering because it’s such an emotional movie.

13. finally, got a girlfriend and feeling horny, yet you have no where to go? that’s okay, there’s always the cineplex! make sure your smooches are extremely loud and passionate, and if things get a little too carried away, and your limbs start flailing all over the place, it’s perfectly all right. no body will mind much at all.

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~ by eLeCtRiKbLuEs on June 18, 2005.

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